Thursday, May 19, 2011

Why Farmer's Markets Are Just Wrong

I made it clear I would be covering this topic after I got done explaining Lutheranism to everyone. Technically, not everyone (and everyone, you know who you are) has read that post yet but I don’t have all day and a half to wait for everyone and their dog to find my dusty little URL so, in direct response to the repeated requests for me to provide some evidence on why Farmer’s Markets are so freaking lame, I’ll walk you through it ONCE. But then I’m done. I'm not brave enough to debate the Organic Veggie Lady any more than I have time to debate the Cat Lady about why I refuse to bring Philly into the vet yet again to have his balding fur issues treated.

Let's rip this off like a band-aid:

1) Nothing you can buy there tastes good.

2) Everything.

3) The stands are usually directly on top of parking spaces. That's really not helping anyone.

4) Safeway already sells produce.

5) The vendors will sometimes smile at you through their eyes and speak in a low gentle voice that renders one involuntarily calm and in need of a long hug.

6) They won't do the friendly-soothing-eye-staring-head-nodding thing if your child is eating a food item that is dripping in high fructose corn syrup (if it wasn't for toddlers, why does is say so on the package? Last time I checked, Target doesn't lie about their merchandise).

7) Someone forgot to put their dog on a leash. On purpose. Oh my God.

8) If your kid is in a stroller and someone else's kid is in a sling then you lose and they win. If I had known there was a handbook that explained all of this I would have read it, but it turns out a new Go Green(!) policy that was implemented last spring required all copies be turned into decorative wrapping paper for the welcome party they threw for the IFC Portlandia Crew when the seventh episode was filmed at the local parking lot farmer's market.

9) One time, I overheard the guy at the Huckleberry Roots Farm Booth declare you can tell a healthy eggplant if it appears to be 'sweating'. No one was in direct proximity when he bestowed this wisdom.

10) Farmer's Markets are usually outside.

The Usual Disclaimers:

I'm from Eugene, Oregon so I am WITHIN THE CIRCLE. My authenticity cannot be challenged. Rebellion is only natural.

This post is mild compared to next week's critique on natural childbirth.

It's not like I took on the new trend of having organic, locally grown vegetables delivered right to your front door. Because I could. I have A LOT of material.


  1. I LOVE it! Also I have some additional critiques.

  2. Additional critiques for Farmer's Markets or for my blog posting?!

  3. I have never heard of an eggplant sweating, but just yesterday I noticed that the leaves on my roses were. It wasn't dew, because it was the middle of the day, and it was hot, and it wasn't water because it hadn't rained and I hadn't yet watered them.
    So there it was. Tiny droplets of sweat, on my roses.
    They better sweat, with all the not-growing they've been doing lately....


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