Nursery Rhymes, Cannibalism, and Awkward Exercise Poses...

*Warning: This post may contain graphic nursery rhyme lyrics.




No, I am not so hungry from my new diet that I have resorted to eating other people. For the record, I am AGAINST cannibalism. Nursery rhymes, it turns out, are not so much against cannibalism. How did I find this out? Playing my SILLY SONGS CD (thanks mom!) for my very small & impressionable 3 month old child. Two months later, I am just now recovering from what I can only describe as a complete and utter shock to my fragile mommy senses, and quite frankly, a loss of innocence. (You have to understand the glee and excitment with which I started out when I carelessly tore off the plastic wrap and shoved the brightly colored CD into my car stereo, exclaiming: "Nursery Rhymes Baby J!!! They're the best!!!!") If only childhood nostalgia actually came with memories, we wouldn't need warning lables for childrens' songs. I feel compelled to share my findings so that you too, can be properly freaked out. And let me just say: it doesn't end with cannibalism. (If only it were that simple). So sit back, relax, and soak up the following darling lyrics that we've all been singing 'night night' to our children with for the past few hundred years:

We'll start with Found A Peanut (scroll down to the 'alternative version' for the whole picture). Sounds innocent right? Child finds a peanut, eats it, turns out to be rotton, no biggie, oh but wait, child then needs an operation and THEN:

Died anyway
Died anyway
Died anyway just now
Just now I died anyway
Died anyway just now.

And THEN:

Went to heaven, went to heaven...Wouldn't take me, wouldn't take me...
Just now Heaven wouldn't take me...Went the other way, went the other way.

Well, that's nice. Very comforting. Next up, more ways to perish! Here comes The Crocodile. This tune is set to an especially cheerful tune and it's easy to whistle to as the lyrics set in:

She sailed away on a sunny summer day
On the back of a crocodile
"You see," said she, "he's as tame as tame can be,
I'll ride him down the Nile."

The croc winked his eye as she bade them all goodbye
Wearing a happy smile
At the end of the ride, the lady was inside,
And the smile was on the crocodile!

Catchy, right? Perfectly fun and normal - being eaten up by a crocodile! No problem! Now that we are warmed up - we're on to the King of the Cannibal Islands

Once again the tune is so dripped in sugar and repetition that you will find yourself humming this happily to the gas attendant as he fills up your tank and throws concerned looks toward your drooling, babbling baby in the back seat:

Hokey pokey winkey wong
Parley magoo gagoo gagong
Handaree rangaree chingaree chong
The King of the Cannibal Islands

His kingdom stretched for miles and miles
Around about the neighboring isles,
His subjects sharpened their teeth with files
Like the King of the Cannibal Islands

After a long day of teaching Baby J about Monkeys who fall off beds, Yodeling Austrians, What to do when no one likes you (Eat Worms), and Camels who turn into horses when their humps are taken away, I like to bring it down a notch and end it southern style with Short'nin' Bread.

Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin',
Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread.

Three little children, lyin' in bed
Two were sick and the other 'most dead
Sent for the doctor and the doctor said,
"Give those children some short'nin' bread.

Yeah. So, how 'bout that. Let's have a moment of silence for the DEAD CHILDREN lying in bed while the other kids get a round of short'nin bread. That's fair.

In other news, I returned to the gym after a 14 month hiatus and discovered TVs are now attached directly to the treadmills!!!!! This new development alone almost completely makes up for tragic peanut/crocodile/cannibalistic/shortnin bread death songs! But, in all honesty those sassy little songs are not bad work-out music. Heck, a combination of Arigga Bamboo & Fooba Wooba John is enough to give me the energy to attempt PRONE STRAIGHT LEG LIFT WITH PUSH UP.